The Final Months Of 2018

Bishal Chettri

Hello Friends ! Yes, it has been a long time that I haven't posted anything but today somehow I received that urge(and time) to express my valuable emotions(emotions are precious aren't they?). My opinions may not be your necessity in any case, however they may arouse interest as we're all humans after all. So lets begin !

Has it ever happened to you that you lose your interest in things which you previously used to enjoy ? Well, this condition hit me so hard last year that I could not revive myself back to my default state for quite a long time, and by a long time I mean a seriously long time for a student who previously only used his time either for studies or refreshment(after studies). This period in my life used to occur periodically until last November, when this stage gained so much momentum that it was making me extremely lethargic and lazy.

 I literally had no enthusiasm whatsoever to study, had lost my competitiveness and was moody most of the time, I really don't remember what caused me to feel like that at that period; in case you're wondering if I was in love or similar situation then I would like to say that infatuation was something which I used to battle every month and so with experience I had learnt to handle it like any other person would, and infatuation had never made me feel lethargic (it instead used to drive me to work hard in some cases), and as for love I would just like to tell you that its completely different from infatuation, and it doesn't happen infinite number of times, its much more than the so called 'external attraction' but mainly about values. So, as I was saying I was not in love and infatuation never affected my work so what in the name of Einstein affected me that time? Now that I can see it was due to a hormone called 'dopamine' that changed my personality and work habit for two months, let me explain; during the last weeks of October I had started devoting a huge amount of my time towards social media, scrolling down the feed became a regime, and checking phone every now and then became a habit, but the interesting fact is that I did not realize this at that moment, I only discovered this recklessness when this hormone became a necessity. Dopamine started to govern my emotions, my actions and consequently my life altogether. I became so much isolated from my studies that even after uninstalling these social media apps I somehow could not motivate myself to study. I could clean my room instead but could not study. As a result I used to remain blank to what was being taught in class, felt like an asteroid was falling towards me when my teachers would ask me things I had never bothered to study. These things continued to be the way they were until December. I actually had blamed puberty for my condition at that period of time, however I was wrong.

I had a science camp in December, so it gave me an opportunity for my eyes to rather change the scene away from  my monotonic routine and I thought that I would be alright after that. The camp proved beneficial as I was exposed to things which were not related to syllabus, I met some new people too and somehow felt nice as compared to my earlier situation. I had also got recognition in the camp so I was emotionally elevated after the science camp. Do not share this but I also met a special person in the science camp who was so much like me, and extremely caring too ( plus points of choosing science I believe) and so we instantly became good friends. Then January came and during January I worked very hard because I had many backlogs from October that I needed to complete along with the whole syllabus of the year under a month. I was stressed about the completion of my syllabus before the commencement of my exams, and was under a huge amount of pressure ( the pressure which was born out of my inability to focus ). Then suddenly one morning I felt extremely bad, so very bad. I felt extremely depressed and I literally never experienced that kind of grief ever in my life like I was feeling that morning; I felt that life is difficult and is not worth living, even became suicidal during that period, these emotions and thoughts lasted till afternoon, after that I felt completely normal and alive again.

 However the very next morning I felt the same thing happening all over again, it felt like hell friends, I had never felt like this in my life, I could not study or do anything at that period of time, I just wanted to close myself in my room and cry, cry like I have never cried. This situation persisted for two damn weeks, those two weeks were worst days of my life(being absolutely honest !), so I decided to tell this to my mother, she took me to hospital the next day, and then I met a psychiatrist and told him about this dreadful situation I was experiencing. He consulted his senior and came to the conclusion that I was experiencing depression, and prescribed me antidepressants which I am still taking (1 month medication) and I am feeling a lot better now, and doing my exams well too. So these are all the events that occurred over this course of time. Its life anyways, scenarios will occur, good ones or sometimes difficult ones too, the thing is that you must find a solution for every freaking problem that life throws at you ! Problems make a person strong emotionally; this is what I have learnt during this phase friends. So problems are required sometimes if you wanna grow as an individual and so try to find opportunity behind every obstacle that you may feel dreadful about!