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Here we go, a background would supposedly make things bona fide for you to go on; the reader may or may not have experienced this condition but sincerely speaking I really would not like anyone to even get the tinge of it, so I’ve been under depressive medication for 14 months complete (+18 days till now) and I still am, it’s really not something that you can expect to prop of gradually I guess as in my case it just came of nowhere (like an unforeseen military coup), I was happy back then naturally (like most of us are) and was pretty normal in terms of my emotional predicament, not that I never got ‘sad’ in my life, or that I never cried before, it’s just that the darkness didn’t stretch for so long as it does now, without the daily dose of fluoxetine life gets drowned in despondency. So imagine this scenario, you’re in a program where it’s already decided (and known) that you are to receive an award for the hard sweat you had put into a project, and you’re anticipating all your moves, from standing up and walking to the podium to confidently presenting your speech, and you’re so gratified (obviously anyone would be), but here’s the catch, someone else gets the award that your colleagues had promised that you were entitled to, I somehow believe that the sensation that would develop inside your heart in that brief history would equal depression, but don’t worry it will not last long if such a scenario really were to happen and end in despair. If this situation sounds too unrealistic, then you can try conjuring the sensation that you’d experience if you lost your nearest person, the grief would certainly scar you with depression. But, what if you were to experience that suffocation without the circumstances inducing it? What if you were to feel that for no vindication? Of course there is reason and explanation for anything that does happen but if you couldn’t decipher what caused it, then there would be no reason or cause about that thing for you because you wouldn’t be acquainted with it (Like if an email is delivered to you but you never read it then it’s as if the email was never sent as per ‘you’). I will not say all depressive accounts are the same, but I’ve not yet been able to exactly pinpoint the fountainhead of my episode 14 months back (I had made some speculation though). So the explicit cause is hidden yet under mist. The interludes mocked my emotionality only at dawn, a few minutes after I woke up it felt like hell, I couldn’t do anything, I mean literally nothing!

The anguish led me to isolate myself from people, the only thing that was possible for me to achieve was to close myself, and do nothing, all the things felt saddening, but after one week of agony and self-observation, I was scared that I might do something wrong (Suicidal tendency is most common among the subjects), I didn’t see it worth living, nothing made me content, nothing felt nice, so I considered medical attention; I told the psychiatrist everything he wanted to know legitimately, explained him the pain, the breathlessness, the seriousness, the doubt, the fear, his companion was writing down maybe every word I was uttering, then he rather easily declared that I have got ‘clinical depression’ and that with the ‘pills’ I would feel alright.

 First day after the medication felt the same, the same river flowing within, second day; the time was delayed but it unfortunately occurred again, I felt normal (as in happy mode) from the third day.

So I did grow up in this process as in mentally and emotionally but I would never want this to happen (which tactlessly did occur when I left the medication on my own accord for over 2 months in spite of the doctor requesting me to continue, I had to continue this time by increasing the dosage again which had been lowered before). It’s during this time I realized that happiness is really important than work itself and how insipid life is without its company. It’s said happiness can’t be bought but presumably I sold depression in return for the pills didn’t I?  The unsophisticated bargain over NULL with medication continues...